Good Monday

Bowie, Jerwin, Grace @ Vintage Bulgaria

Most people would say they had a wonderful weekend, wonderful Sunday, wonderful Saturday, and you-know-what-else. Well for me, I'd say I had a wonderful Monday, though most people would take Monday as a heads start of another busy week or 9-to-5 pace. Ahaha tagging Jerwin and Grace! Thanks to you two, I've had a good day. Bowie hearts both of you! Well FYI we used to be debators back in our high school days, Grace was from a different school though, while me and Jerwin were in the same. I miss those days, especially those competition moments, how people expressed their point be it in a funny or serious way, or how people over-reacted, how we gloriously dominate the opposition, how people would slam a dictionary on the table just to tell us a definition of a word, aww I MISS THOSE DAYS. Though I know I said too much, OK OK. I'll cut it from here.

AIGHT, THE DAY.

Well Jerwin treated us at the restaurant that he works at now, The Vintage Bulgaria Pub & Restaurant. Wonderful pork ribs, dude, thanks! It was the first time for me, I mean, I never knew there are restaurants around that particular area, even Grace knows about the Ingolf but not me! Guess I got to know the Penang Island a not-worth-mention-bit better now. The ambiance of the restaurant is quite comforting. It can be a nice place for a family dinner, also, a good spot for a candle light dinner with your better-half. I'm planning to treat my brother a nice dinner at this restaurant on his coming birthday in March.

Well, back to the day, we went for movies after lunch, we watched The Punisher, well as what we all know, action-packed, armed and dangerous, it's my first movie after a month. Yes, I've been missing all the new movies for a month. Time-wise, we chose The Punisher. I'm feeling kinda guilty actually, maybe the title The Punisher reminds me of something: I was skipping class and I ought to get punishment! ANYWAYS, we dined at the Chili's after that. We went back to Jerwin's place and jammed for a few hours. It was fun, after all I haven't been jamming with Jerwin for almost a year, and like Grace said, when me and Jerwin combined, we made a perfect duet out of it. By the way, I wanted to listen to Grace singing, but she was reluctant to, though sometimes she might hum a tune or two, when me and Jerwin heard it, we'd know that she can sing. Grace, I hope to hear it from you in the future though, and stop saying that you can't sing, you CAN. The night ends with me and Grace heading home while Jerwin heads out to somewhere else. Oh yes, the rain. It was raining so heavily last night.

Truth be told, the meals we had yesterday were quite heavy, not just the lunch, we had our dinner at Chili's as well. So it was like our lunch and dinner were served with western and european cuisine. I was so full alright.

To conclude the day, it's a day filled with packs of jokes, laughters, nice foods and lot of fun. Well it's not about what we all did, it's about who I was out with. Jerwin and Grace, thanks for the day, really. Until our next debators' reunion (LOL), I hope to see both of you anytime sooner, again.

Once again, I had a good day.
AND I HOPE YOU PEOPLE TOO.
=D

CHEERIO.

Bowie and his 25 things

I'm sure many of you have seen or filled out the 25 Random Things About Me note on Facebook (that is, if you're on Facebook). Though I've read all my friends notes with interest and enthusiasm, for weeks I have resisted writing my own. I'm not sure why seeing as how I have no issue (no new ones) sharing personal details with myself--I think this blog is testament to that. And a few months ago I wrote a very involved 100 Things list, maybe its because there's nothing much I can do for now, yesterday I finally caved and decided to fill out my own. Here it is:

1. I am the eldest among 2. (my younger brother, is 5 years younger than me).

2. There is no way for me NOT to write. Beyond my passion, it's my 2nd lifeline. The process of writing allows me to delve deeper within and understand myself better, as well as work through everything. Preferably call it a sweet escape of mine.

3. I am a social bee, but I also used to love being alone. I really never get “bored” and find ways to entertain myself for hours on end! But not for now, the last thing I ever needed is emptiness or loneliness or depression or within the captivity of any of what I've mentioned.

4. I type fast, so fast, so accurate, but I noticed my handwriting sucks since I've typed a lot lately.

5. I have ONE white hair on my head. That is if you can notice me in person, it's on the right side of my head.

6. If I could figure out how to do it, I'd live in water. I fantasize about a waterproof computer, keyboard and mouse, and even a sound-waterproof piano or guitar!!!

7. I want to write a book (many books, in fact), but am so overwhelmed at the mere thought of it that I can’t seem to get myself to begin.

8. I like multiples of 2.

9. Sometimes I'm stubborn and cantankerous, but I can be gentle and compassionate, too.

10. I can’t wait to graduate!

11. I'm the type of calm person who can be quite calm even if, when Godzilla is next to my house or Martians invites me to play poker on Facebook. LMAO.

12. I constantly dream about my late wifey, Cheryl, but its not all bad because she wants me to move on, which I know I have to. She changed my perception towards life, again.

13. I hate cigarettes down to the core. (Yes I don't smoke)

14. I am STILL a true Scorpio.

15. I've been playing Meetoto a lot lately, I think those who are not playing should go and give it a try.

16. I am reasonable balanced between gullible, skeptical, logical, analytical and intuitive.

17. Lifelong optimist, I am.

18. I want to cook.

19. But I hate to cook.

20. People turn to me for advice on dating and relationships all the time. I love it! Even though I’m no expert, for some reason I find I can usually accurately assess other people’s problems, and help them work through them.

21. I'm a solitary replinisher (when I have to be one).

22. I'm a proactive optimist (still there are things that took me quite awhile to get over with).

23. I think humans are starved for affection, and showing even just a little kindness to others goes A LONG way.

24. Nothing makes me happier than partaking in, and witnessing, random acts of kindness.

25. I think of what you might have heard from everywhere you go, which is: there is no other better time than now. If you wanna do something then just do it, as long as it is the right thing to do, as long as it is something that is worth fighting for, then you've already made your choice. So, I'm going to play Meetoto right now. Suprised? LOL.

Cheerio.

Random: Identity Crisis

I am not sure why so many of us center our identity on what we do, rather than who we are. I think who we are becomes tied and steeped into our careers. It's unfortunate, because we place so much undue importance on vocation, and material things, rather than how we treat people, the relationships we keep, the family we love. Shouldn't the latter be more pivotal to our happiness? And to our identity? For whatever reason, I think we tend to believe we are nothing unless we have a stable career, or are at least fulfilling and achieving something, anything, everyday.

I have thought about this a lot with our current economic recession, and the unbelievable amount of jobs that have been lost. Of course it affects anyone who has been laid off -- men, women, fresh out of college 20-somethings -- but I have to think that it must be especially difficult for the breadwinners of the families. Obviously it's rough because this person is the one who brings in most of the income, and without that necessary money, the entire family suffers, but what about that person's identity and self-esteem? Their role in the family, and in life, has been to provide. What happens with (s)he is no longer able to do that? Won't that person begin to feel depressed, confused, and ultimately, a bit worthless? Of course, they are not worthless - they are still the same person they were before they lost their job; our core characters and personalities, while they may always shift a little, remain relatively the same. But it is no longer possible for that individual to fulfill the duty of providing, and monetarily caring for the family.

I am not the breadwinner of my family, quite the contrary. I don't even have a family of my own yet, which is a good thing since it's been difficult just to keep myself afloat with the part-time job's income because I'm just a student, and for a 22 years old adult who is not financially independent, YET. As a student, I have struggled with self-confidence issues in terms of being financially stable and independent, I am still relying on my family's financial support. I'm imagining the future-me working away from home and how things might flow (on the bright side): I am making enough to survive. I am able to pay my rent, utility and grocery bills, etc. I even have some extra change for things like gym membership and happy hours with friends. But as the years progressed, and if thing (still) goes wrong (e.g.: recession), the rent grew steeper, and I lost my job, and I might live an unstable life of freelance while keep sending out my resumes everyday, all that changed. Every month will be a struggle. Since I already pay for a gym membership, I just utilize the equipment and classes there. Lesser, or maybe even no more happy hours with friends. With that, I've made huge changes to my lifestyle to accommodate my lack of funds, and I suspect, as the months roll on, I will continue to downgrade.

But here's the thing: this lack of money, and adequate work, might be killing me mentally.  The adequate requirements will just make me even more inadequate, and in the end I might be buried under the avalanche of my own inadequacies.  I'll just feel like a giant waste of space. I often forget to take stock of the reasons why I'm an important member of society (like, I aim to treat everyone kindly and with respect and I smile at strangers in the hopes of bettering their days) and focus on all the reasons why I'm purposeless.

It's terrible, I know. But please don't think I'm not doing anything about it; Though I am still a student, and am going to be a student years to come, I'm not sitting here, flipping books in a sulk and hanging out with friends all day and night. I am job hunting. Searching for something that's part-time or temporary. It doesn't matter. I just need more constant work to do -- to accomplish -- and a paycheck. I have been searching for tutor positions for entry-level studies, and non-profits.  I'm hoping to find something related to music (e.g.: piano lessons or part-timers of live band in pubs?). I'm also looking in the environmental technology industry. I know I'm not qualified for much there, but it helps alot in the future when I'm working in my dad's any firm-of-choice.  Thanks dad for talking me into how my field of studies is related with environmental technology's implementation. In the end, I just want to interact with and help people live healthier, happier lives.

It's hard to have so many goals, also, but not really know where to start. Does this ever happen to you? Do you ever feel frozen by your endless goals? I have so many things I want to accomplish in life that I tend to find myself stuck, and overwhelmed, before I even begin. How do you counteract this? I know the answer is simple: just do. But for some reason, it doesn't feel so easy.

It is not easy.  In fact, I already know where to start, I just need more time to understand why I want to start things up that way. 

Have you noticed people struggling with their identities as we roll deeper into recession?

Fetching thoughts of view, people!

And for those who are on the same boat with me, I say to you:

Go with the flow,

Stay low as you go,

Aim high for your goal,

Obstacles come and go,

Your goal remains whole,

You reached your goal,

then you're as good as gold.

Cheerio.

Happily Ever After

picture of the day: I JUST WANNA LIVE!!!

People around me are asking me if I'm okay.
People, don't worry about me. As someone used to say this to me, "you are like a hard rock, especially when you are asleep." (copyright; Rachel Lydia Low)
Well not just when I sleep, come on, all I'm trying to say is that, I can take this. Undoubtedly, it hurts, so deep, but I HAVE TO MOVE ON. The world ain't gonna stop spinning just because I lost her, and without questions, she would want me to move on too.

As a part of my sharing, there are times that I dream about her. In fact, I dream about her most of the time, lately. Before I go on, there is something I have to tell you guys. If you are a skeptic and not ready to accept something that is beyond scientific explanation, I suggest you to walk away from this page, right away. Because what had happened, is truly, beyond what we all could explain. As the warning is given, I will not tolerate with any nonconstructive comments. I don't know where's that place, but its some place... beautiful and peaceful. There are colors in that dream, but its nothing like what we've seen in this world, its something more, I can't describe it in words, it's way beyond descriptions. I came to realize that this is more than a dream, and I have to make sure that I'm not a paranoid, just yet.

In that dream, she flashed me across the sweet old times that we used to have, years of relationship, anything from A to Z, and the 'slide show' started and ended in just a few seconds. Along with a song, as I could recall, 'BOATS and BIRDS' by Gregory and The Hawk.



The dream was so real, but I know my hands weren't reaching for her and I don't know why. We talked a bit in that dream, she was smiling, as I can recall. But I can only recall a sentence, and its a phrase from Boats and Birds, *leave me your wake to remember you why*.

She never left me, she simply... transformed... into something beyond our living dimension. At least that's what my conscious wants me to believe, and that's what SHE wants me to believe. She's always there. And in fact, we are still living our way, happily ever after.

I told this to Tzyy Ling last night when she called me all the way from Singapore, she scolded me for being creepy, but hey, its not creepy at all, I call it beautiful.

TRUTH BE TOLD....
I'm living on the bright side of this... prison, Matrix, stage, zoo, theater, you-name-it and ocean of diarrhea (teeeeeheeeeeee Debbie).

So people, make the world a better place by having less worries on your hands! [you are gonna ask me 'but how?']

Yeah, but how? LOL.
Lets try it anyway shall we?

Cheerio.

I wish I could save her

It's been a long while since I last blogged.

How is everybody doing? Well I can feel it, this blog is getting 'dustier' than ever. Haha, its ok, I've cleaned the dust. But I don't think anyone is reading it anyway, since it hasn't been updated for so long. Readers come and go.

Actually, I'd never think of... blogging again, after what happened recently. There was a big change in my life, and I'm not sure if I accepted it in a very honest manner just yet.

I'm not going to say when, straight to the point. My beloved soul mate, wifey, lover, girlfriend, best friend, friend, listener, adviser, part-of-me, best-of-me and my everything, Cheryl, just passed away.

It happened on the night when I couldn't fetch her home from work because I was at some place else with my family. It was on that particular night, things went wrong. All the wrong things happened at the wrong time. A failed carjacking attempt, with 4 stabs at her abdomen, she was taken away within minutes. A very tension call from her brother, and what was said on the phone blanked my mind. Say no more, the next thing I did was to be there, the hospital, but from the phone call her brother made, somehow a voice in my head is telling me a word: hopeless.

I reached there, and the whole scene ripped my heart apart, it was dramatically tragic, terrible, horrible and God-knows-what-else. On the gurney, was your girlfriend, lying there breathless. No nurses nor docs around her to take care or do something to save her, of course, they did it already, sad to say they tried their best. I knew she was already gone, but I just can't take it, I can't. I kept telling myself she was just unconscious, and that she will open her eyes in moments. I wasn't crying, but the tears overflown. Her parents were there, they cried so hard, they just lost their baby girl.

"Baby you'll wake up real soon, we still have a fondue to fill our stomachs with at Haagen's tomorrow so you better wake up fast." I refused to accept the fact that she is gone. I can't take it any longer, and I walked to her brother and said to him:" let me know when she's awake." I left her brother speechless, because I was completely out of my mind by saying all that to him. I went into the washroom, I stared at the mirror for so long. I couldn't breath. No, nothing was choking me, but it was suffocating. It was like there wasn't any air. I washed my face, and even came up with a thought that everything is just a bad dream and I'd wake up once I walked outta the wash room. No, nothings changed after I walked outta the wash room.

My legs got numb and soften... I couldn't walk. It was then I started crying so hard. She is gone, really, gone. Autopsy reports the cause of death as: 4 stabbed wounds on the abdomen, excessive bleeding and pain weakens the victim, and believed to have died on the spot before concerning personnels approached the spot.

...
I haven't, and wasn't ready to finish our chapter. In a very cruel manner, she was taken away, just like that. Our past exists there, our chapters are endless, our stories are never-ending, but you are not here, not anymore.

For always, I wish I could save you.
You know I do, God knows I do.

If people would say something like... "He lost his God damned mind because his gf passed away."
Figure of speech, but I did lost my mind. True about people saying they lost their mind when terrible things happened. Because of what? Because when it happens, it doesn't come knocking on your door, instead, it stabs on your conscious, your mind is now blank, you are concealed inside your circle of question marks, because you don't know what to believe, not even if the truth is just in front of your eyes.

Come to think about it, what is the big deal with a couple breaking up? It's nothing, absolutely nothing at all. Breaking up is just a process where 2 lovers take a step back, from lover to best friends, or friends. Nothing is missing. A friend will still take care of you like he or she always does. Just minus the sweet talks and sweet names.

Sorry for being philosophical, and I understand I've talk too much.

...
I just... wish I could save you, Cheryl.
God knows you want me to be happy, and I know it.
I hope that the world turns, and that things get better.
I hope that the unfortunate incident that occured on you won't occur on anyone else, and I know you'd think that way if you were to be me.

It seems strange, that life ended in such a terrible manner. One life is taken, but it killed two of us. Time will not heal this, in fact, time will not heal anything at all. I need to move on.
For you, I'm moving on.
With all my heart, and I always do, I love you.
Soul mate, wifey, lover, girlfriend, best friend, friend, listener, adviser, part-of-me, best-of-me and my everything, Cheryl.

Rest in peace.

...