Final exam is less than a week away, I'm yet to start my revision for it, might be a lil'bit too early for that... no I'm not worried... I'm feeling mellow... very...mellow... LOL. Was planning to go to the library and get myself some photocopies of final exam's questions... Nah, I'm too lazy. Maybe some other time within this week.
It's me alone in the apartment... Boon Boon is going back to his hometown soon together with Vivian... I'll be alone here for the rest of the week... oh and Mr. Liang stays at the hostel... Guess I should ask him to come and stay here for a couple of days... I'm not afraid, but I hate... to be alone. But being alone helps too, sometimes. Staying in the room... listening to my good old music... Makes me think through alot of stuffs... It seems to me that I have a lot of catching up to do...
I'm not asking for the time to stop... No, never. I'm not running from anything... I'm not avoiding anything... but I don't know why... I still think of the same thing in the middle of the night...sometimes. Sometimes I'm too busy to notice that the people around me needs love and caring like everyone does... I'm too busy to notice whether I offended them directly or indirectly... Too busy to notice my mistakes... too busy to apologize... and too busy to forgive either. This, is when I realized what I've been missing.
It's not like the ball game... where errors are classified into 2 categories: Forced errors and Unforced errors... I offended people accidentally? Not likely, because I think I'm right? I purposely forgot to apologize? Not likely, there are more important things in hand than just giving away a 'sorry' that takes less than 2 seconds? Well, you see... the balancing point is yet to show itself... It ain't black or white, it's grey.
All my thoughts are crossed like a fabric... a piles of fabric...
What happened to it's details?
Why are the things make me panic?
Are my thoughts the result of static cling? Or are the things that make me blow?
Or is it...just the faulty manufacturing of the fabric (thoughts)...?
It's something more than that... I can't replace it like a broken part, I can't brace it like an broken arm, but above all, if it's a broken heart, then face it.
Are you...the results of my faulty manufacturing? My thoughts got me back to 3 weeks ago... where she left without saying anything, at all. Her tone is ringing... Her friends are around... Her person is there... but none is there for me. I still wonder what I did wrong... Perhaps this is the only time I gave in most of my time to think through the somethings-wrong-but-what-it-is part. Did I do anything wrong... at all? All of these... brings me to somewhere... but I'm not mentally where I am physically... enough.
*sigh*
I close my eyes and I exhale and let the realization that the world is going on, like it should, all around me, stolid of whatever or wherever I am, just wash over me.
All I want is to go to bed and sleep. Just sleep. For once not thinking things through for a thousand time, just be, be satisfied with the journey instead of working myself up for something I missed, something that might pull me down. Something like the relationship that ended without saying one single bit of word.
In other words, I can whip up a pretty good storm in a glass of water.
I'm weird that way. Maybe because I come from a long line of worriers on one side, and a long line of worry-comatose on the other side. Mixing those genes together made me the person I am - calm in crisis, all worked up over nothing.
So, at the moment, be fine with the fact that I might just be one person to the world - and perhaps one day the world to one person - and not worry in that moment, not hurry though the emotions in that moment, not work myself up till I'm ready to give in, emotionally, keel over, falter in my belief of what I am and where I'm heading.
Did that get too philosophical for you? I'm sorry...
Watch out my next post...
It's me alone in the apartment... Boon Boon is going back to his hometown soon together with Vivian... I'll be alone here for the rest of the week... oh and Mr. Liang stays at the hostel... Guess I should ask him to come and stay here for a couple of days... I'm not afraid, but I hate... to be alone. But being alone helps too, sometimes. Staying in the room... listening to my good old music... Makes me think through alot of stuffs... It seems to me that I have a lot of catching up to do...
I'm not asking for the time to stop... No, never. I'm not running from anything... I'm not avoiding anything... but I don't know why... I still think of the same thing in the middle of the night...sometimes. Sometimes I'm too busy to notice that the people around me needs love and caring like everyone does... I'm too busy to notice whether I offended them directly or indirectly... Too busy to notice my mistakes... too busy to apologize... and too busy to forgive either. This, is when I realized what I've been missing.
It's not like the ball game... where errors are classified into 2 categories: Forced errors and Unforced errors... I offended people accidentally? Not likely, because I think I'm right? I purposely forgot to apologize? Not likely, there are more important things in hand than just giving away a 'sorry' that takes less than 2 seconds? Well, you see... the balancing point is yet to show itself... It ain't black or white, it's grey.
All my thoughts are crossed like a fabric... a piles of fabric...
What happened to it's details?
Why are the things make me panic?
Are my thoughts the result of static cling? Or are the things that make me blow?
Or is it...just the faulty manufacturing of the fabric (thoughts)...?
It's something more than that... I can't replace it like a broken part, I can't brace it like an broken arm, but above all, if it's a broken heart, then face it.
Are you...the results of my faulty manufacturing? My thoughts got me back to 3 weeks ago... where she left without saying anything, at all. Her tone is ringing... Her friends are around... Her person is there... but none is there for me. I still wonder what I did wrong... Perhaps this is the only time I gave in most of my time to think through the somethings-wrong-but-what-it-is part. Did I do anything wrong... at all? All of these... brings me to somewhere... but I'm not mentally where I am physically... enough.
*sigh*
I close my eyes and I exhale and let the realization that the world is going on, like it should, all around me, stolid of whatever or wherever I am, just wash over me.
All I want is to go to bed and sleep. Just sleep. For once not thinking things through for a thousand time, just be, be satisfied with the journey instead of working myself up for something I missed, something that might pull me down. Something like the relationship that ended without saying one single bit of word.
In other words, I can whip up a pretty good storm in a glass of water.
I'm weird that way. Maybe because I come from a long line of worriers on one side, and a long line of worry-comatose on the other side. Mixing those genes together made me the person I am - calm in crisis, all worked up over nothing.
So, at the moment, be fine with the fact that I might just be one person to the world - and perhaps one day the world to one person - and not worry in that moment, not hurry though the emotions in that moment, not work myself up till I'm ready to give in, emotionally, keel over, falter in my belief of what I am and where I'm heading.
Did that get too philosophical for you? I'm sorry...
2 comments:
Its not your fault. It isn't anybody's.
Don't start blaming yourself for being yourself. Don't think you're weak just because you worry too much or have a couple of flaws. Its not fair to yourself, is it?
Give yourself a break =)
It does take more than love to have a successful relationship...
Post a Comment